Henry is so desperate for fame, he’s started a fan club before he has any fans! Throughout the book he offers tours, autographs, and Henry Potty Original Kindergarten Clay Shapes to anyone who doesn’t run fast enough. Though rather dumb, he scores high in all his classes, mostly thanks to luck. He also has a conscience, a gift from his fairy godmother, which gives him hints as needed.
Full name: Really Incredibly Wimpy
He’s so humble, the book doesn’t even bother to introduce him. He has “shocking red hair that probably saved him a great deal of expense on flashlight batteries.” His purple sweater says in big, hot pink letters, “My mother couldn’t afford to go somewhere exotic, so she just made me this dumb sweater by hand.” He’s devoted to his pet rock, Flaky, with whom he has wonderful conversations.
Full name: Horrendous Grungy Gangrene
Horrendous proves her intelligence by carrying a ruler, protractor, calculator, compass, digital thermometer, and pair of extra socks in her top right-hand pocket protector. Though she’s smart, Henry beats her in every class, to her great frustration.
First name: Oscar
He’s tall, dark, and incredibly ugly, with green makeup slathered over his skin to increase his evil appearance. The Halloween costume that he wears was once a wicked witch’s dress, at least a wicked witch who was forty-seven and into her second husband and fifth pregnancy. Yards of extra black fabric hang off him like moldy curtains. All forms of trash coat the dress, from cream-filled cupcake wrappers to disposable diapers. He is generally known as “You Know Who.” The most evil thing he can do is spoil the book, an activity in which he persists.
Professor Whata Bumbling Bore
The Chickenfeet Academy principal generally wears hot pink surfer shorts, a t-shirt daringly cut to reveal his lack of muscles, and a pair of sunglasses with little palm trees on the sides. The principal’s long white beard often trails on the ground, collecting candy wrappers and dog droppings. Whenever he speaks, students instantly fall asleep. Consequently, he teaches a very very dull history class. In his office, he keeps manacles, whips, muzzles, and a menacing video on how to paint, wallpaper, and reupholster one’s house. For repeat offenders, there’s The History of Cabbages in Polis
h. He also has an obnoxious parrot named Socks. Bumbling Bore is the only gizzard (like a wizard) Lord Revolting fears, mainly because he has Lord Revolting’s credit card numbers. A tall, bearded, nightgowned old man, he could stun people with a single phrase: Class, open your books.
- Lord Revolting (see above)
- Fifi Fuzziback: The most dreaded weirdwolf of all
- Bea Strange (Bellatrix Lestrange) A Very Bad Lady
Her blackish-white piled coiffure, greasy nearly to the point of sliminess, added a few extra feet, as did the two-legged stuffed crow on her shoulder. (Book 7, page 80)
- Miffie Muffet – (Draco Malfoy). Miffie is an adorable little girl who beats up other students. She has adorable brown ringlets, freckles, and a button nose.
- The Tooth Fairy : mallet and crowbar, twelve-inch beribboned fangs.
- “Millie McGonk was tall and stately, with a long nose and four green eyes (she wore spectacles). She also had blue fur, owing to a magical experiment a few years before when she had tried to turn herself into a cat and ended up as a blue, fuzzy monster with googly eyes and an insatiable hunger for cookies. Newly obsessed with cookies in every size, shape, and color, Miss McGonk let her magical studies slide and only continued teaching at the request of Bumbling Bore, who thought it made his school seem more equal opportunity, as it proved that he would hire people no matter what their color, or length of fur.” When Henry throws up on her shoes, she appoints him Quick-grab-the-fish Sneezer as punishment.
- Miss Ann Thropist wears swirling gray robe set off by a fringed vest and trendy white cowgirl hat. She is quite expert in teaching the children how to fight darkness and evil, since she is the most evil person who has ever lived. Over the summer and on weekends, that is. The rest of the year, she operates a trendy clothes shop. She is known to most of her students as “The Wicked Which of the Vest.” She has twelve degrees in flashlight operation.
- Mrs. Goobenshplatzit has golden hair and golden eyes, which set off her equally golden tan. She hails from Florida, where she spent her days relaxing in the sun and her nights fighting vampires disguised as lifeguards. In fact, she spends so much time relaxing on the beach that the students named her “the Sand Which.”
- Professor Flopsie was recruited from a poodle grooming plantation, in the hopes that he would brush and curl the fur on the cafeteria rats, convince trolls in the Scary Woods to neatly bury the mangled corpses of their victims, mop up after the Vomiting Willow, and otherwise improve the cleanliness of Chickenfeet Academy. He kept his long, purple hair nearly as curled and fluffed as the poodles to which he attended. He seems to like cheep-munks. Later he switches to teaching Fashion Design and directing student musicals.
- Sorta Troublesome (Advanced Sound Effects and Funny Gestures in Fortune Telling)
- Poupon Sauerkraut (Hedge Trimming).
- Professor Sniffly Snort (Cooking Class) He has a hanky problem and a loyalty problem. No telling which is bigger. “His wizard bathrobe was thin and austere, allowing onlookers a glimpse of his equally austere socks and undergarments. He was pale and tall, so much so that some mistook him for Lord Revolting’s far less-disgusting half-brother. This was almost certainly untrue.” (Book 7 p. 3)
- Noodle Loudbottom (Neville Longbottom) Some think he has potential. A possible Henry Potty if he hadn’t cared more about his GPA than pulling stupid risky stunts. In many ways thinner, greasier, and more awkward than Henry, he makes up for it all with a small talent in growing exotic molds.
- Chump Change (Cho Chang) A Quick-Grab-the-Fish player for the Dummies’ Dorm. Henry Potty’s ex.
- Skinny Ann Wimpy (Ginny Weasley) Really Wimpy’s younger sister, and Henry Potty’s current flame. Cute as a button, (more so since she’d started accessorizing with buttons) with auburn curls
- Lunar Module (Luna Lovegood) Quite the oddball, but rather cute. She’ s delicate and willowy, with a right cross that once felled an elephant. She’s endured a lifetime of teasing at Chickenfeet, since one of her earrings is slightly longer than the other. And she’s mostly crazy.
- Higgle (Hagrid): Higgle, a brown puffball of a person, is honorary professor of Animal Care and Champion Mumbler at Chickenfeet.
- Brunhilda (Madame Maxime): A very very tall Viking warrioress, and Higgle’s greatest love.
- Dopey the Elf (Dobby): Servile, cringing and a bit depressing. His plastic sword is unlikely to cut hot butter.
- Stunner Dreamboat: A former goblin and current hottie. Not very trustworthy.
- Hortense Hog (Hedwig) A flying pig, Hortense enjoys dive-bombing Henry at every opportunity. Has a crush on Wilbur the Pig.
- Aboutface Bumbling Bore (Aberforth) Brother of Whata Bumbling Bore
- Mr. Filth (Argus Filch) The resident spy and tattletale.
- Aunt Pillufa Dorky
- Dumpy Dorky
That’s it, for now
- Lames and Jelly Potty (James and Lily Potter) “Lames and Jelly had been killed years ago, either from slipping on a pair of banana peels and falling to their deaths or getting hit by a rampant llama;” Henry’s aunt didn’t remember which.
- Rover S. Barkin, known as The Dogman. (Remus Lupin) Bitten by a weirdwolf years before. When anyone jingles keys near him, his doglike tendencies surface: he transforms into a dog and viciously licks whoever’s closest, covering them in suffocating drool. the Dogman is mostly shaggy canine: just as furry and about as intelligent. Some of the foremost pedigree experts in the world pronounced him part golden retriever, part collie, and part used mop. Married to a Banshee, which gives him something to howl about.
- Wormsnail, (Wormtail) named for his diet.
- Cereals Back (Sirius Black) He’s dead, Jim.
- Kumquat the Frog
- Master Yada
- The Grunch
- Sweat the Ogre
- Igor, Frankenstein’s ex-loyal family servant
- The underhanded little thief Galling
- That gecko who’d try to sell everyone car insurance.
The Four Founders
- Mr. Hero Founder of the Heroes’ Dorm. He had a big stake in Lord Scumball’s downfall. Known for wielding the Sword of Squashing.
- Ms. Dummy Founder of the Dummies’ Dorm. Most of the Chickenfeet library was donated by Ms. Dummy, though not before she bothered to read the books.
- Mr. Scumball Founder of the Scumballs’ Dorm
According to Chickenfeet: A Toe Cleaning. “Lord Scumball was a vampire who shrouded the world in a fog of evil and wanted to destroy all the Muddles. In fact, the only bright spot in his evil despotism came when he founded a secret society of bloodthirsty rednecks within our school. He’s known for sucking the souls of the living, winning tango championships, and forging the one ring of power, with which to dominate the world forever. Fortunately, Mr. Hero staked out his place and then staked him through the heart before he could download his soul into the ring and live forever.”
- Ms. Sanchez Founder of the Leftovers’ Dorm, named for the contents of her fridge. A huge fan of all thing Wizney.